Customer services have moved into the same building as us at work. You would think that I would be nipping down every few minutes for a good old chin wag with some old friends. Think again. I am doing everything to avoid them and I don’t know why! when I walk through their office, I feel as awkward as a gent in the womens underwear department at Ann Summers (though some of the men I know…)
So, a few days back Im toddling through on the way to eat my dinner (diet was going well..) and a girl who I knew In customer services who is now heavily pregnant stops me to ask about an IT issue. Because I am me, I don’t tell her to fuck right off and log a call because I am on my lunch, I wander across and sort her problem. During this time, she asks me if I am content.. “funny question!” I think… “Yes” I reply. “Yeah” she replies “I can tell..”…. “PARDON!?” I think, but don’t say out loud because Im so polite… She must notice because she then goes on to say “well,,,just that you’ve put on quite a bit of weight and you used to go on sun beds and look after yourself when you worked in customer services…” (cue gasps from all of her workmates, none of whom I know..) “Oh Adrian doesn’t mind do you Adrian..” .. “YES I FUCKING DO!!” I think… but I don’t say because Im still been far too polite ..Instead, I say “Hehehe, noooo… NOOOOOO of course not!!” She goes on to dig a couple more holes in my grave and the only thing I can manage is “ I do have a t shirt on under my shirt that may make me look a bit bigger…” and “So, when is your baby due?” she replies “In 2 weeks..” I say “feels like you have been pregnant for years” in an *attempt* to tell her that she has looked like a fat shite for as long as I can remember. I want to tell her that her baby will be ugly… I want to tell her that if she didn’t have the equivalent to a large beach ball attached to the front of her person, she would likely have got a kicking by now.. But I dont.. Because Im nice.
I walk away with my tail between my legs and eat only half of my dinner because I am quite obviously the fattest person that has ever walked the earth. I spend 10 minutes of the lunch that I have left looking in a mirror and prodding myself in the face wondering where Ive gone wrong… I vow to never pay less than £20.00 for a hair cut again and to maintain a healthy eating plan until Im 8 stone.. I promise myself that I will go on the sun beds until im as shirivelled as joan Collins fanny as long as I have a tan…whatever it takes! Then, and only then do I think “How Fucking rude..” I go my sisters after work finishes and I polish off fish chips peas and gravy from the chippy… It makes me feel better. Before I start work the next day, I apply fake tan twice, pluck my eyebrows (manly) and wear one of my nicer more slim line shirts. I feel better, I look better. I see her and she calls me across. She apologises for saying what she said (not because she realises that she is a nice person and what she said to me was a bit below the belt, but because word has got back to her genuinely lovely mother who also works in my company and who has given her a "right telling off" for it...) She does more damage than good by trying to justify her comments and ends up again putting her huge swollen foot in it. (or at least I hope they are swollen with all that extra weight.. And her ankles… and her legs.. and her face!) Ha!
I hardly ever spoke to this girl when I was in customer services and I certainly haven’t since. The only things I know about her are as follows:-
She was brought up around this area and married a bloke with a lorra money...
Her husband is quite a lot older than her, bald and ugly... (my opinion but its as valid as her opinion is it not?)
She cannot spell and could not word a sentence to save her life (she used to log IT calls for us…)
She works part time- As a hobby because she doesn’t *need* to (oh goody)
She says what she thinks and has no tact (obviously)
Since I worked in customer services, her teeth look like they have gone mouldy (but did I say it?? Whoah no!)
We could all say what we think if we wanted. But a lesson to us all. Be nice!!! Next time I go through customer services, Im going to be the one "action manning" it across the floor.. If they cant see me then they cant insult me… Ha!
This blog is not meant as I depressing blog and I dont really have anything against this girl.. She is always pleasant to me and I wish her luck with her little bambino... Im sure she didnt mean any harm anyway.. some people just say what they think without thinking dont they (ARSE.. u see?) I just find the whole string of events quite amusing and I hope you do too.
When you next see me out in town, Ill be the orange anorexic sitting in Toni and Guy drinking sparkling water and eating an apple... Wahahhaha!
xx
